If your auntie had balls...

I've inherited an interest in phrases of a similar theme, expressing skepticism about a claim dependent upon too many conditionals, from an old housemate. I'm interested in more, please e-mail me if you have any.

If your auntie had balls, she'd be your uncle.
common English phrase
If my cow was a cat I could milk her by the fire.
translated from Dutch
If your grandmother had four wheels, you'd be a bus.
translated from Spanish
With a few ifs, you could put Paris in a bottle.
French phrase.
If you had tits and no cock, you'd be a woman.
If ifs and ands were pots and pans, you'd have a very nice kitchen.
If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, wouldn't it be a Merry Christmas?
If wishes were horses, I'd be eating wish-meat every night.
Mo Sizlak's version (Simpsons S21E17)
If the same point is made twice by the same person, the thread is over. - Khendon's Law