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If your auntie had balls...

I've inherited an interest in phrases of a similar theme, expressing skepticism about a claim dependent upon too many conditionals, from an old housemate. I'm interested in more, please e-mail me if you have any.

If your auntie had balls, she'd be your uncle.
common English phrase
If my cow was a cat I could milk her by the fire.
translated from Dutch
If your grandmother had four wheels, you'd be a bus.
translated from Spanish
With a few ifs, you could put Paris in a bottle.
French phrase.
If you had tits and no cock, you'd be a woman.
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If ifs and ands were pots and pans, you'd have a very nice kitchen.
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If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, wouldn't it be a Merry Christmas?
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If wishes were horses, I'd be eating wish-meat every night.
Mo Sizlak's version (Simpsons S21E17)
The more sensitive you are, the more likely you are to be brutalised, develop scabs, never evolve. Never allow yourself to feel anything, because you always feel too much. - Marlon Brando
2016/02/07